Problem Page
Marisa answers your problems.
If you have a problem, and would like Marisa’s advice, please use her Contact form. Your details will be kept confidential. Please let us know if you do not want us to use your real name.
▶ I lost my job last year and can’t find another one
Problem
Dear Marisa I hope you can help me I lost my job last year and can’t find another one. Now I feel rubbish all the time I don’t know what to do with myself or my life. I snap at the wife and kids and the thought of not getting another job makes me depressed I don’t know what to do. David
Marisa's Reply
It’s a horrible situation to be out of work especially for a man because a man’s identity is all to do with his job. What a man does defines him so when a man can’t tell someone what he does, because he’s out of work, he feels he’s lost his identity which makes him feel worthless. For many men, what you do for a living is tied up with who you are. So losing your job makes you feel you’re not needed and have no value. Men also find it harder than women to ask for help because they see it as a weakness. It’s important to remember that this won't last forever. In the meantime doing something positive will make you feel better,'.By doing these things your anger will go away, you will have more hope because you will be doing something and working at something. You are not rubbish and you are so much more than your job, you matter to your wife and kids just as they matter to you. This time will pass and you will make it pass more quickly by doing the above. Very best, Marisa
- Find something to do while you're looking for a job, so you don't feel worthless. Try helping at a school or youth club, kids football anything that allows you to say that you're doing something useful when others ask, also this gives you something interesting and new to talk about.
- Sign up for a basic free course at your local library like computer skills. This gives you a reason to wake up and go out every day and a sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're doing something useful towards getting a new job. Maybe you can learn computer skills with your kids or teach them what you are learning. Use your time off work to spend more time with them as it will make you feel more useful.
- Sign up for career counselling. Try Next Step – its free and helps people get the advice they need for future skills.
▶ He just won’t accept that it’s over
Problem
Dear Marisa.. I hope you can help me I am becoming desperate. I broke up with my ex because he was so controlling but he just won’t accept that it’s over. He calls me at all hours of the night and has even turned up at my work begging me to take him back. I just don’t know how to get through to him, I have tried pleading with him to move on I have ended up screaming at him down the phone to leave me alone but nothing works. I don’t want to get back with him why can he see that. Julie
Marisa's Reply
Hi Julie He can’t see that because he doesn’t want to see it. When people ask you the same question over and over again while ignoring your answer that is because they don’t want to hear your answer and believe that if they persist you will come round to their way of thinking. There is no such thing as false hope only hope and he hopes that by continuing to contact you he can convince you to change your mind. Every time you talk to him you are continuing to react to him and for him that is better than nothing , any kind of reaction for him means you are still having a form of relationship with him and giving him false hope that he has the opportunity to win you back . The trick is you must not react at all. Next time he calls you be very calm and say to him ‘Our relationship is over I wish you well but I am not going to take your calls any more nor will I see you if you turn up ant my office’ then put down the phone and don’t take his calls. Let your phone go to answer machine at night, delete his texts without ever reading them and if you do answer the phone and its him put the phone down immediately without reacting at all or saying a word. If he turns up at work have him escorted from the premises. If he turns up at your house don’t answer the door. You can’t play tennis with someone who puts down their racquet and walks off the court so stop interacting with him or reacting to him at all and he will get the message and move on. This is better for you and kinder to him in the long run and it always works. Very best, Marisa
▶ Is it my success that makes people not want to be with me – or is it me?
Problem
I hope you can help me I am very successful, after a long hard slog I have my own business, but I lead a very lonely life I don’t have friends or a partner because I keep myself to myself. Is it my success that makes people not want to be with me or is it me? I long to have friends and company and yet I seem to come across as cold and aloof and I am so sad, what can I do? my success is meaningless without people in my life. Please give me some advice. Karen.
Marisa's Reply
I see people in my office every week with your problem and I tell then what I am telling you “The basis of all friendships is that we choose people who share our vulnerabilities we like people who are like us” When we hide our vulnerabilities away and pretend all is well we stop people connecting to us. One of the reasons groups like AA are so good is that people share their weaknesses causing others to bond with them and like them more. WHEN YOU REVEAL YOUR WEAKNESSES PEOPLE LIKE YOU MORE AS THEY CAN RELATE TO YOU. The mistake you are making is keeping it all in, so many of us hide our past or pretend everything was better than it is but when you can be yourself people like you for who you are not who you pretend to be. Open up and join groups admit, that you are lonely and sad don’t pretend to be content with your success. Widows cope better than widowers as they are open about their sadness and get together with other widows. Join a dating site too and when you meet a man don’t pretend everything is great and don’t talk about work just be yourself, it gets easier and the relief when you realise people like you because you are you is priceless. Don’t confuse loneliness with neediness focus on some things you like doing find other people that like them to and let yourself connect. Warmth is a wonderful asset. Love from Marisa
▶ I shoplift all the time – even for things I don’t need
Problem
Hi Marisa. I am ashamed of my problem. I shoplift all the time even for things I don’t need, I don’t understand why I do it as I have money with me but I get some kind of thrill from taking things. I even do it when I am shopping with friends I am scared of getting caught but can’t seem to stop. What is wrong with me? Laura
Marisa's Reply
Your problem is more common than you think. People who have a desire to take things without paying for them usually feel they missed out on something in their childhood, they did not get enough love or attention and go through life feeling as if they lost out and are owed, so stealing something feels like getting something back. You feel that you didn’t get what you needed so now you take things that you don’t need to redress the balance. Also when we don’t get enough love as children we always feel we aren’t enough and the feeling of not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough drives people to acquire a lot of stuff, the more stuff they have the more they think ‘I must be enough because I have all these things.’ It doesn’t work because you can’t fill an emptiness inside with products but you can fill it by saying to yourself every day ‘I am enough and I have enough.’ By understanding that what drives you to steal are feelings of loss, emptiness and unworthiness you can stop the stealing by stopping the feelings. Focus on the people in your life who do love you and do meet your needs, keep telling yourself I am enough I don’t need items I need affection and love give that to yourself instead. Don’t feel bad about yourself just stop you will be able do that now you know why you were doing it. Very best, Marisa Peer
▶ I seem to have a major problem with laziness
Problem
Dear Marisa I seem to have a major problem with laziness, I put everything off and I just can’t get motivated to go to the gym or do work assignments or even tidy up. I try to make myself do things and it doesn’t work I could lose my job if I don’t buck up so why can’t I make myself do the things that have to be done. Kevin
Marisa's Response
Hi Kevin. Your cure - and it really is a cure - is to stop saying words like ‘I have to’ and ‘I must make myself’. Our mind does what it thinks we want it to do, if it knows you want to do something and love doing it, it motivates you to do it. If it knows you dread or hate doing something it de motivates you as your minds job is to move you away from everything you link pain to. People who love running get up and do it others think about it but don’t get round to it because they link more pain than pleasure to running. You have to trick your mind by saying “I love doing work assignments, I want to do them, I only feel happy when they are finished.” Once your mind picks this up it will encourage you to get cracking instead of encouraging you to avoid it. When I first began to write books I would spend days avoiding sitting down and producing the work, only when I began to say ‘I want to do this I am choosing to do this I love doing this’ did I stop procrastinating and do the work. I have taught this technique to thousands of people and it always works. Marisa
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